Sunday, August 29, 2010

I'm honestly quite demoralized. I've been training like everyone else. Putting up 100% like everyone else. Yet I failed my 4km timed run for the 3rd time in the 3rd week straight. What the fuck will it take for me to pass my timed run?

We're going to do 6km timed runs from next week onwards (no more 4km). And I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna pass that, when I can't even pass my 4km timed run.

Am I just not built for running ? Is it because I don't have the 'running genes' ? I dont know really. But fuck, I ran till i puked at the finish line and i still didn't pass. That's all that matters. I'm doomed for remedial training every saturday. >.<

Mood's been rather down in camp lately. Everyone's on zombie mode and morale's really low, thanks to the people we deem as our "Batch fuckers". The individualists who simply refuse to contribute their help in a tight situation. The people who only think about themselves before even considering the need to help other people. Its a really ugly personality I'm just DISGUSTED by it.

"Ah, I'm tired, so I'm going to rest on my bed, while everyone else does area cleaning for me." "Lets go to the toilet, theres no body there. We don't have to help out if we're in the toilet."

This sorta thing. Get my drift? They think: "ah someone else's gonna do it for me eventually, so i'll just go rest at the corner while everyone does it ^^."

Its fucking ugly and it disgusts me. When are people going to realize that the faster we put aside our individualistic thinking, the better off we'll be? When are they gonna realize that our true strength lies in our numbers, in our ability to cooperate with each other, in our team spirit, in our teamwork, and not as individuals? They just don't see it. They don't see that our class is only as strong as the weakest link. That being an individual gets you no where, no matter how fit you are, how fast you swim, or how far you run, it all counts for nothing.

Apart from the individualists in our class, I sense the team players in our class are losing their morale as well. For just how long more are we gonna clean the toilets and do your shit for you, while you relax in the toilet, or sleep on your bed for an extra 5minutes? Camp is an ugly place. And it ain't gonna get prettier any time soon.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Think you know all about yourself as you are now? Think again. Its interesting how a moment of insane suffering can show you a side of yourself you've never seen before. I'm not making this up. Put a man through suffering and his through colours will come out.

Me, I'm a whiner. When I'm suffering, all I'll do is bitch and whine about how fucked up the situation is. I'll scold my batch boys like fucking sluts, scream at them for the slightest lapse of concentration. But then again, as I learn more about this part of myself which I've never seen before,I try to make myself a better person. I try to reach into the diabolic core of my soul and make a 180 turn for the better. I've been through times where I'm just so fucking tired and frustrated, I don't wanna move from my seat to help out the rest of the team. But I've also had times where even though I'm sick and tired of this shit, i feel like screaming like i always do, but instead i shut the fuck up and sincerely try my very best to help the guys to my left and right get back on their feet and fight the Tsunami of shit flying our direction, to salvage the situation, no matter how hopeless it may seem.

I don't deny that I've got a fucking ugly side hidden somewhere deep in there (which most you guys haven't seen). But, I am who I am, and that ugly side defines me as much as anything else. I wont try to change myself. But as I understand this new side of me, I'll try my very best to be a better me.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hello! I've come back home, I enjoy my mom's company, my cousins, my grandmother .. In camp I've got good buddies who've been through thick and thin by my side. I'm in the pink of health (except for that little fever i had this week). But something's missing. Its a tingling feeling that's been bothering for awhile now. I feel so good, yet so empty. I can't translate to words the feeling I'm trying to express, but this song best fits the description :)

New Radicals - Someday We'll know

90 miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind
Whatever happened to Emilia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime
Did the captain of the Titanic cry

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me?

I wish i knew.